Welcome to the Monday Scramble. We would like to take this opportunity to announce that Ryo Ishikawa, the 17-year-old professional golfer/special exemption-collector from Japan, has received a special exemption to play in the Monday Scramble’s weekly putting contest in the Golfweek.com cubicles (Entry fee: $3 – or approved vending machine snacks of equal or greater value) whenever he wants.
(Note to Ryo: This would make the most sense when you’re in town for the Arnold Palmer Invitational in March – we’ll pick you up. Whattaya say?)
• • •
>> Pat Perez won his first PGA Tour event this weekend at the Bob Hope Classic. Our top 3 revelations from this victory, which has been a long eight years in the making:
3. As of at least a couple hours after his victory, probably not the best time for PP’s online store Web page (patperezgolf.com/cart/) to say this: “Sorry, we are temporarily offline.”
How is he supposed to cash in? (Correction: E-mail orders were available at that time.)
2. Perez played his first 36 holes at the Hope in 20 under, a new PGA Tour record. For Perez – who has calmed significantly since building a hot-tempered reputation early in his career – it’s just another reason to keep faith in his new mantra: Break records, not clubs.
1. In the event Pat Perez and/or his forearms ever show up for the Scramble’s weekly putting contest, we retract Revelation No. 2.
• • •
>> OK, golf fans, it’s the week we’ve all been waiting for: Super Bowl week. That’s right, we’re talking beer, parties, chili and cheese… and maybe a little football thrown into the mix.
The PGA Tour will be at the FBR Open the week of the Big Game, which in other words means it’s Party Week on the PGA Tour, which in other words means it’s Look the Other Way! Week on the PGA Tour.
Of course, this is all brought to you by the 16th hole at TPC Scottsdale – the rowdiest hole in golf, by a J.B. Holmes drive in space – a place that should now be considered golf’s Super Bowl, at least figuratively if not literally. For the first time in its history, the par-3 16th hole (pictured, above) will be completely enclosed by grandstands and hospitality tents this year, pushing the attendance to an estimated 15,000-20,000 and surpassing any other golf party ever. (There’s also that whole Bird’s Nest concert/party area which sees a bit of fun.)
In any case, it’s one stupendous, super bowl of fun, which is why we understand if at any point you get it confused with the other, copyrighted “Super Bowl” taking place this weekend in Tampa, Fla., between the Arizona Cardinals and Pittsburgh Steelers.
(To make it even more confusing, both places will be jam-packed with Cardinals fans.)
Accordingly, we here at the Scramble have come up with five ways to help decipher which event you are actually attending:
1. If you are asked, “Dude, do you want this burger?” you are in Tampa, and you have heard wrong. No one in their right mind at No. 16 would give up their hamburger after waiting in line that long to buy one.
What you really heard was, “Stupid Ben Roethlisberger!”
2. If it starts raining, you are in Scottsdale. Rain doesn’t really happen in Florida in January, and Sunday’s forecast calls for “Precip 0%” according to Weather.com.
Of course, it’s the same story for the weather in the desert – so what gives?
Well, that is actually beer falling on your head, because Phil Mickelson has just made a hole-in-one. All hands, and suds, are in the air.
(At the Super Bowl, there aren’t enough like-minded fans – at least not in the same area – rooting for the same thing, to cause such precipitation.)
3. If you hear someone curse, you are probably in Tampa. Though if you think you hear someone yell “Duck!” you probably should listen. Just like losing Super Bowls – wayward golf balls hurt.
4. If you see your buddy on the ground crying, screaming, “Should’ve gone for two, should’ve gone for two, should’ve gone for two…,” you’re in Scottsdale.
This has nothing to do with the big game or Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt screwing things up. No, you’ve just punched your buddy for going to the beverage line and only bringing one back for himself.
5. If you hear someone scream, “Oh boy! Hell of a par! Wooooooooo!” you are actually in Tampa. Say “Oh boy! Hell of a par! Wooooooooo!” out loud. No one would ever say that, even if J.B. Holmes pitched in for par from the hamburger stand.
Alas, you’re in Scottsdale, standing next to a Steelers fan, post-Troy Polamalu pick-six interception.
“Go Troy! Polamaluuuuuuu!”
• • •
>> CREATE-A-CAPTION: Time for you to get involved.We’ll pick the wackiest picture we can find every week for you topractice your one-liners. Winner gets a virtual Hi-5!
Real caption: Steve Stricker looks dejected as his caddie Jimmy Johnson gestures on the 18th hole during the final round of the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic. (Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)
Our caption: “OK Steve, that’s it. I’ve had it. Go to your room.”
SEND YOUR CAPTIONS, OR ANY OTHER QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, CONCERNS TO: email@example.com.