Golfweek - Golf News Magazine

There’s been much Sturm und Drang (that’s German for “storm and stress”) about the LPGA’s proposed English-conversant requirement. Is it legal? Is it ethical? Is it appropriate in our multicultural world? Is it just a plot to get Rosetta Stone to sponsor all the tournaments canceled for next season?

Then I realized: They’re only talking about requiring players to have enough English for a pro golfer. Talk about a gut class! (“Gut” is college lingo for “easy,” students.) Here’s the entire curriculum; it shouldn’t take these bright young ladies more than a day and a half to get up to speed.

• Monday: Travel day
“How much for a first-class upgrade?”
“Does the in-flight film have Korean subtitles?”
“Where is the oversize-luggage carousel?”
“Taxi!”

• Tuesday: Practice round
(to fans)
“Yes, you may have my autograph – thank you for asking. . . . How do you spell ‘Kayla’? ”

(to caddie)
“Remember – show up, keep up and shut up. Also, line me up.”

• Wednesday: Pro-am round
(to male pro-am partners)
“You’re in the [insert partner’s profession here] business? How fascinating.”
“Nice drive. . . . Does your husband play golf?”
“Hit it, Alice.”
“You got all of that one!”
“A swing tip? You’re standing too close to the ball . . . after your shot.”
“Yes, Lorena really is as nice as everyone says. . . . No, I haven’t met Tiger Woods.”
“Another tip? Take two weeks off, then quit.”
“I don’t understand why Michelle Wie isn’t playing out here, either. I guess you’d have to ask her.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll get it back on the next hole.”
“Don’t sell yourself short. You’re a tremendous slouch.”

(at round’s end)                
“Hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort?”
“Sorry, I don’t give out my phone number.”

• Thursday: Post-round (if 72-hole event)
(to autograph-seeking fans)
“Not now; I’m in my office.”

(to press)
“I left a few out there today.”

• Friday: Post-round
See Thursday.

• Saturday: Post-round
See Friday, plus: “I feel like I put myself in good position for tomorrow.”

• Sunday: Post-round
“I look forward to coming back to defend my title next year. I’d like to thank the superintendent and his staff for doing such a marvelous job. I also wish to thank the volunteers and, of course, our generous sponsor. Please don’t pull out for next year! Most of all, thank you to the LPGA for making me learn conversational English. They. . . how do you say . . . (Turns to tutor, speaking Korean) . . . can kiss my @&$!”


Posted: 8/28/2008

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