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This year’s PGA Championship isn’t so much about “Glory’s Last Shot” as which miracle will come out of the M*A*S*H unit this time. If the 2008 major championship season were a daytime soap, it would be “General Hospital,’’ with Luke if not Laura, for if you recall Luke Donald has been seen only by physicians since U.S. Open rough got the better of his wrist.
You don’t hoist a major trophy these days without having your doctor on speed dial. Just this summer, Tiger Woods won the National Open on a broken leg and Padraig Harrington claimed the British version with a wounded wrist.
And, of course, Trevor Immelman battled all sorts of health issues the months leading to his surprising Masters victory. Not only did he have a tumor the size of a golf ball removed from his back several weeks prior, a procedure that required morphine, but he arrived at Augusta sick of missing cuts.
Never has the old saw about bewaring the injured golfer carried the weight of a Stadler.
All of which leads us to the fourth and final piece of the majors series, the PGA at Oakland Hills. I’m not sure who’s going to mug for the cameras Aug. 10, but with the AMA Grand Slam in the balance, a decent guess is someone ill or hurt. Mental damage doesn’t count because, well, head cases don’t win majors. (Insert own joke here.)
If the 156 contestants were smart, they’d prepare for the PGA by trying to get a piece of Mike Tyson in a boxing ring or at least attempting to duplicate some X Games feats, maybe Tony Hawk’s “900” in skateboarding or Travis Pastrana’s double back flip in motocross.
My money’s on whoever shows up in a body cast. Or, at the very least, has plaster on some appendage.
If they roll Phil Mickelson to the first tee in a wheelchair, wager the ranch on him.
The PGA’s best-case scenario, of course, would involve non-defending champion Woods, at the moment recovering from surgical repair on his famous left knee. If Woods really had a flair for the dramatic, he’d put the TV remote control down long enough to hobble around suburban Detroit in pursuit of No. 15.
Having learned never to bet against him, I’d say he probably could win – except for one thing. Walking 18 holes on crutches tends to take a while. The PGA doesn’t tolerate nine-hour rounds, and not even Woods could survive all those stroke penalties for slow play.
So one must look elsewhere in the infirmary. There’s no shortage of candidates. After all, the PGA Tour says about a dozen players already have inquired about medical exemptions for 2009 and that usually 6-8 guys are out for an extended period.
Given the parameters, the list of favorites should begin with established players who have missed tournaments this summer because of ailments: Vijay Singh (rib), Adam Scott (hand) and Zach Johnson (wrist).
Las Vegas probably would set Arron Oberholser’s odds at 2-1 because, well, the playful Californian always seems to be battling a ruptured body part. If Woods is the modern-day Jack Nicklaus, Oberholser is Billy Glasson, pinned together by too many operations to mention.
Normally such medical hassle would be unfortunate, but not in ’08. Given the game’s new secret to success, perhaps Oberholser should have postponed July 23 wrist surgery and headed to Detroit wrapped in ACE bandages and poked with cortisone needles.
David Toms, the 2001 PGA champion, must be considered, too. He has been AWOL of late, having skipped the British Open, and often plays with a doctor’s note in his bag.
The roster also includes one Kenny Perry, the hottest golfer around by virtue of three PGA Tour victories and a playoff loss in his last eight starts. The affable Kentuckian has been afflicted of late by that rare golf malady inabilitis majoritis. Translated from Latin, it means being allergic to summer majors.
If Perry isn’t the most lethal American golfer these days, Anthony Kim is. But the young American star isn’t known to be ailing, aside from that figurative head wound suffered on Royal Birkdale’s final three holes.
Europeans, meanwhile, are sick and tired of losing the PGA. Hard as it is to believe in this era of Euro Ryder routs, the last winner from across the pond was Tommy Armour in 1930. Closest we’ve had since was Colin Montgomerie in 1995 at Riviera, where Steve Elkington sapped the blood from an expressive Monty face that David Feherty once said resembled a “warthog stung by a bee.”
But the leading Euros have good vibes about Oakland Hills and all those severe slopes on the greens. That’s where they first inflicted Americans with stomach pain that comes with a nine-point Ryder bludgeoning. This time, however, they’ll encounter a renovated track that since 2004 has added 296 yards and 10 bunkers and stretched a couple of par 3s to 257 and 238 yards.
For certain, Mickelson figures to fare better than four years ago. He left that Ryder Cup looking like a man in need of meds after going 1-3 with new ball and clubs.
The question, though, remains: What will Phil do next to his bag? One can worry himself nauseous trying to guess the configuration. After all, Lefty has played majors with five wedges, two drivers, no driver and a driver that kept going left.
Can a junior set be far off?
Big picture, the game itself was thought to be sick as well, what with Woods out, not good when the PGA is going up against the Olympics. But the British Open showed strong health, featuring storylines galore, most notably the Great White Shark’s return from taxidermy. Besides, Woods’ absence is just temporary, merely a flesh wound.
Clinical depression strikes at Camp Ponte Vedra and beyond only when he leaves for good.
Posted: 8/5/2008
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