Following five hours of grueling analysis Saturday night, I have come to the conclusion that it is no longer cool to be Tiger Woods...
For Halloween.
(At least when it comes to the 21-and-over crowd.)
For the record, I’ve attended the same Saturday night costume contest the last four years at a popular downtown location.
I have seen thousands of costumes over that time, many of them inappropriate, only a handful of them either original or remarkable (like those three guys a couple years back who came as a somewhat-functional toaster).
That has included a steady diet of Tiger Woodses.
I was probably averaging about three counterfeit Eldricks a year, until Saturday’s shutout.
I saw a man in a tiger suit. I saw a couple guys dressed as trees. But, like the Fall Series, no Tiger Woods.
I was a bit surprised, mostly because Tiger Woods is a great last-minute costume.
Red Nike shirt, black hat and pants, golf club. Can probably do it for under 20 bucks at K-Mart.
Boring, but easy. (“Kind of like reading this column,” according to my colleague, Sean Martin.)
Only sometimes dangerous. One of my favorite Halloween moments came last year, when I saw a cop confiscate a real-life 5-iron from a pretty tipsy, fake Tiger. Apparently, he had taken a divot in the restroom floor.
The funniest thing I saw this year were six ladies each dressed to represent a different stage in the life of gentlewoman Britney Spears. From Mouse ears to egghead.
So I’m guessing I won’t see another temporary Tiger Woods until the real one punches Sergio Garcia at the Ryder Cup, or something.
Until then, here’s a list of golf-related costumes that may or may not earn you a $15 Best Buy gift card at your local costume contest:
The new Tiger Woods (3 people): One person dressed as Tiger in a mock turtleneck, pushing a baby carriage. Another as Elin (good luck finding a match there.) And one as a TV news reporter. To make this work, the person dressed as Tiger will have to make sure he doesn’t say much of anything to the TV reporter that night.
Tim Finchem (1): Buy a suit online and have it shipped overnight by FedEx. After the contest has ended, go up to the winners and beg them to come to your Halloween party next year. Then test them for HGH.
The FedEx Cup (3): Can be combined with Woods and Finchem costumes. Wear an ugly silver bowl on your head, and when Finchem tries to get Woods to kiss you, run away.
Woody Austin (3): Go for the three stages of Woody Austin here. Think one person dressed as a guy with a broken putter sticking out of a bloody skull; another holding a text bubble that says “I am better than Tiger Woods,” and, of course, one just wearing a wetsuit and snorkel. Now picture all of that as the subject of the worst watercolor painting ever painted. Like, the ugliest one you can ever think of. Now, triple that ugliness. Now picture that on a teal golf shirt.
Wear that shirt.
John Daly (1):
Go to Hooters. Ask a waitress if you can use the phone. Call the organizer of the costume contest and tell him you are withdrawing, without citing a reason.
Suzann Pettersen (1): Dress up as Lorena Ochoa. Tell judges “I would have dressed up as Suzann Pettersen, but as good as that would have been, I knew it wouldn’t have won top prize.”
New LPGA logo (1): Buy red, green, yellow and blue crayons and a white sheet of paper. Hand over to a 3-year-old. Attach paper to a T-shirt.
Ryder Cup captains Nick Faldo and Paul Azinger (2): Make two T-shirts. One with the word “Over.” One with the word “Hyped.” Stand next to each other.
Tadd Fujikawa (1): However you dress, make sure the contest is before the weekend. Otherwise, no one will get it.
Dottie Pepper (1): Wear a Michael Vick jersey. When one of your friends fails to make it past the first round, call him/her a “Chokin’ freakin’ dog” to someone else, but make sure you are overheard.
Michelle Wie (3): Just ask your parents to come to the party with you.
• • •
Sunday Crosswords from the past:•
How can Gatorade give Tiger a flavor and not MJ?•
Michelle Wie should have had a better 18th birthday•
Hats off to Jesper Parnevik and his Texas magic act
Posted: 10/29/2007
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