MOUSEHOUSE – Please consider this column as my resignation from the Mickey Mouse Club, Golf Writer’s Division.
Today, the magic just ran out. (See: Boston College, Indianapolis Colts or Cinderella II.)
I walked out of the media center at Disney’s Shades of Green Resort this morning, down some stairs, over a man-made pond or three, to an empty first tee.
There was no one around. Literally, you could hear a pin drop.
I only realized I was at the wrong course (Disney’s Palm Course) after hearing a caddie 300 yards away throw down a flagstick on the ninth green of the correct one (Magnolia).
But seriously, it wasn’t much better over there.
Volunteers held signs that read “Please be quiet... as a mouse.” And nothing was stirring.
The final round of this season-ending Children’s Miracle Network Classic presented by Wal-Mart (aka The Tournament formerly known as the Funai Classic at Walt Disney World Resort) seemed about as fun as an afternoon in an oversized retail store.
In the meantime, watch out for falling attendance numbers.
Not that the PGA Tour’s Disney slot ever had problems printing enough tickets. But this year’s version should have been relegated to the straight-to-DVD category.
Such is life in the FedEx Cup era, especially as the eighth and final event of the Fall Series.
Especially as an event held in Florida during the middle of football season.
Especially as an event held across the street from a place many people would rather attend than a “Grow Your Own Money Tree” seminar.
There’s nothing I want to write less than another weak Disney reference (therefore, the removal of my Mouse Ears), but this was like watching “Steamboat Willie” in 2056.
My colleague told me he saw six people sitting in the 18th hole grandstands around 1 o’clock Friday.
Sunday morning, I – as in, only I – watched third-round leader Scott Verplank take his final practice putts before walking to the first tee.
I saw Tim Petrovic (playing in the final group) dead pull his opening tee shot about 180 yards into a lateral hazard. I heard no grumblings from the gallery, which didn’t even extend as far as the teebox.
I saw former champion Lucas Glover sit down behind the 18th green and yawn.
Even the Kids’ Zone, filled with such classic arcade games as Space Invaders, Ms. Pac-Man and Golden Tee 2005, was empty at noon.
To top things off, I witnessed a caddie yell at a group of marshals on the 12th tee to quiet down. All were holding those “Quiet” signs.
Everything is relative, I guess.
Of course, the only thing I can I do at this time is offer up some completely improbable and impossible suggestions to make this tournament draw more Musketeers next year.
Inevitably, shameless Disney references will follow:
• Cut a deal with Tiger Woods (a multiple former champion of the old Walt Disney World Classic) that will guarantee his attendance for the remainder of his natural life. Terms of the deal should probably include renaming a few attractions, like “Tiger’s Tea Party,” “Woods Family Treehouse,” and “Elin’s Castle.”
• Add costumed-Disney characters to the pro-am portion of the tournament. If you’ve been to Disney, you’ve asked some form of this question: “Can you imagine how hot it is under that Mickey costume?”
I would rather hear this question: “How the hell did Pluto birdie No. 6?”
Long-driving contests, putting contests, etc., between characters is a no-brainer. I also suggest having the worst player of each round wear a Goofy costume during a mandatory post-round interview.
• Reward the champion with his own short-run animated TV series on Disney Channel. (Consider offering Belle or Sleeping Beauty as a love interest.)
• Build a mini-Monorail system that transports fans between holes.
• Transform Disney World Sunday into a final-round Pitch n’ Putt. Example:
Tee: Kitchen of Swiss Family Treehouse.
Hole: Wooden mug on Tom Sawyer’s Island.
Fairway: Frontier Land.
Biggest Hazard: Splash Mountain.
Who wouldn’t love to rip a drive down Main Street U.S.A.?
Sunday Crosswords from past issues:
• Try these golf-related costumes on for size
•
How can Gatorade give Tiger a flavor and not MJ?•
Michelle Wie should have had a better 18th birthday•
Hats off to Jesper Parnevik and his Texas magic act
Posted: 11/4/2007
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