The following snapshot details what could happen next October at the recently-renamed Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospitals for Children Open in Las Vegas.
For those people who can already see where this is going, please note the words “Timberlake” and “Las Vegas” in the previous sentence.
For those people who every week send me angry e-mails that say something to the effect of, “Where do you get your information, Jayson Blair! I know for a fact that B.J. does not carry Michelle’s books to class for her,” please note the word “could,” which in no way is meant to represent the words “probably will,” “I promise is going to,” or “Tim Finchem told me that God said must.”
Timberlake said this week in a press release, “We will make sure to make this event unique and memorable.”
Accordingly, here’s a hole-by-hole look at what might conceivably almost possibly never happen, perchance, at around 3:30 p.m. Oct. 19, 2008, at TPC Summerlin:
Hole No. 1: Shockingly, third-round leader Vijay Singh is laughing uncontrollably on the first tee. Says Singh: “Sorry, someone just told me that Timberlake’s middle name is ‘Randall.’ ”
No. 2: Winner is announced for Justin Timberlake PGA Tour player Look-a-Like Contest: Vaughn Taylor (Google him). Prize: A date with the winner of the Cameron Diaz Look-a-Like Contest (See Hole No. 12).
No. 3: Sergio Garcia is assessed two stroke penalty for slow play after taking 20 minutes to audition for MTV’s “Date My Mom.”
No. 4: Fifty yards off the fairway, a group of children can be found in blond wigs playing “Pin the fabric on Janet Jackson.”
No. 5: John Daly makes hole-in-one. Prize: $25,000 gift certificate to Hooters. “Damn it,” Daly says. “Just my luck.”
No. 6: George Lopez, Kenny G and Kevin Costner are kicked off the grounds. “This ain’t Pebble,” Timberlake says.
No. 7: Tiger Woods is walking up the fairway, trailed by four caddies. (Weeks before the event, Woods jokingly tells Timberlake “I will only play if I can have four caddies.” Timberlake calls his bluff, offering the services of former N’Sync bandmates Lance Bass, JC Chasez, Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick. “It was either this or another week on a Disney cruise ship,” Fatone says.)
No. 8: Stevie Williams is sitting in a beach lounge chair in a large waste bunker to the right of the fairway.
No. 9: The “Britney Spears Experience” tent is temporarily closed for cleanup. Says Experience director and current Timberlake girlfriend Jessica Biel: “More people agreed to shave their heads than expected.”
No. 10: Sign on tee reads “Welcome to the SexyBack 9.” (For those on the Champions Tour: “SexyBack” is the name of JT’s most recent album.)
No. 11: Camilo Villegas is overheard asking Timberlake’s agent: “Who do I have to pay to get on that
People’s 50 Most Beautiful list?”
No. 12: Winner is announced for Cameron Diaz PGA Tour player Look-a-Like Contest: Vaughn Taylor.
No. 13: Karaoke contest finals: David Feherty vs. Britney Spears’ mother. (Feherty wins for “Riverdance Remix” rendition of “Oops, I Did It Again.”)
No. 14: Scoreboard behind green announces that Jay-Z has purchased TPC Summerlin and renamed it to TPC Def Jam.
Nos. 15-17: Closed for
Maxim party.
No. 18: Justin Rose hits blind approach shot toward water hazard left of green. As Rose gets closer, it looks as if 10 people have jumped into the hazard to look for his ball.
“Are we in England?” Rose asks his caddie.
They approach the hazard, only to find Timberlake and a group of Victoria’s Secret models hanging out in a 30,000 gallon hot tub.
“Rose, baby,” says Timberlake, holding up a $100 bill. “Hook us up with a little Dom Perignon?
“Thanks. You’re lying three.”
Sunday Crossword archive:
• Justin Timberlake’s event may bring ‘SexyBack’• Ever wonder what Phil was like before he became Lefty?• Disney event could use some Pixie dust• Try these golf-related costumes on for size• How can Gatorade give Tiger a flavor and not MJ?
• Michelle Wie should have had a better 18th birthday
• Hats off to Jesper Parnevik and his Texas magic act
Posted: 11/18/2007
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