(Note: This week’s Sunday Crossword is a couple days late because I couldn’t find my calculator...)
Tiger Woods won $1.35 million Sunday at his own tournament.I kind of know what that’s like.
At a friend’s holiday party this weekend, I finished the “Yankee Swap” gift exchange with the same present I brought (Plug N’ Sing Karaoke).
Can you sing, “jackpot?”
What probably makes my story a little different from Eldrick’s is that I bought my gift at Kmart (on sale for $14.99, plus tax).
Of course, Tiger’s prize came from Target, sponsors of both Tiger and the Target World Challenge.
Tiger.
Target.
Tiger.
Target.
What’s the difference?
Both are popular and wear lots of red.
Both begin with Ts, share four letters and sound pretty much the same, especially from the mouth of a South Bostonian yelling across a parking lot.
Both also have “Super” alter-egos (SuperTargets, which include things like Starbucks Coffee Shops and bigger restrooms; and Super Tiger, a recurring character in his EA Sports’ video game series).
And both certainly have a lot in store for us.
Note to Target CEO Robert J. Ulrich: I advise changing the name of the Target World Challenge to the Tiger World Challenge (and quick, before Tim Finchem steals the idea).
No one will notice.
Since Y2K, Tiger’s won four times and finished runner-up three times. He’s only once finished outside the top two, and this weekend won by seven shots even after coming off a 10-week vacation.
“The suspense is gone,” read a headline on the typically Tiger-hyping PGATour.com, which only makes this even more official: He’s so good, it’s boring.
What could have made things better?
Giving Woods no choice but to spend his entire $1.35 million prize over the next 30 minutes inside a local Super Target. (“Supermarket Sweep,” meet Roger Clemens’ training program.)
Now
that’s a Target World Challenge (and possibly more entertaining than the ever-popular if unofficial “Wendy’s Challenge,” which suggests you eat every item on the Wendy’s Super Value Menu faster than your opponent).
Here’s how Tiger may have spent his cash this year (taking into consideration that nice-guy Mr. Woods, who usually donates all of his Target winnings to his foundation, would buy a few things for the other 15 competitors he left in the California dust last weekend):
• 15 iRobot Roomba Robot Vacuums ($2,985 at $199 each), to help clean up that dust.
• 5,000 gallons of Fog Machine Liquid ($149,950 at $29.99 each) and 1,000 Mini Party Fogger V-919 fog machines ($89,990 at $89.99 each) to help
Rory Sabbatini fog out next year’s final round so he doesn’t have to come up with another excuse to leave early.
• 1 Red Pull Cart Storage Box ($32.19), to help
Sabbatini carry his last-place check to the parking lot.
• At least 10 Brushed-Chrome Wastebaskets ($199.90 at $19.99 each), for
Sabbatini to dispose of any remaining trash talk he had planned for the next 12 months.
• 1 M-Audio Personal Recording Studio ($212.49) and 1 Beat Generation Groove Master ($52.49) for Masters champ
Zach Johnson, to produce a techno remix of his famous quote, “I’m Zach Johnson and I’m from Cedar Rapids, Iowa.”
Because we haven’t heard it enough already.
• 12,000 “Spider-Man 3” 2-in-1 Lantern/Flashlights ($239,880 at $19.99 each) and 12,000 four-packs of Duracell AA Alkaline Batteries ($38,280 at $3.19 each) for
Vijay Singh, so he won’t have to worry about anyone turning off the lights at a driving range until about 2023.
• 1,500 Mr. Freeze 35 Lb. a Day Stainless Steel Ice Makers ($299,985 at $199.99 each) and 300 Backyard Ice Rink Kits ($252,900 at $843 each) for
Henrik “Iceman” Stenson, to build an 18-hole ice course that will hopefully host next year’s “Target Iceman Challenge.”
• 3 Fisher-Price Power Wheels NASCAR Jeff Gordon Racecars ($689.97 at $229.99 each) for
Freddie Couples, who told the
Los Angeles Times last week that if he was ever named U.S. Ryder Cup captain, he would immediately appoint Michael Jordan and Robin Williams as assistant captains:
“I would have Michael Jordan tell stories every single night and I would have Robin Williams tell jokes for 30 minutes. That’s what I want,” he said. “I don't want a rah-rah speech. My God. If you need a rah-rah speech to play the Ryder Cup, you've got some serious issues.
“If we lose, we lose because we lose, but I can promise you we’d have a good time.”
And now, also ride around in style.
• 840 oz. of igourmet Jim’s Organic Coffee – Peru ($1,119.30 at 15.99 per 12 oz.) for
Jim Furyk, because it’s always very cool when someone buys you something just because your first name is in the title.
• 1 Care Bear Glitter and Glow – Cheer Bear ($14.99) for
Colin Montgomerie, who will then hopefully smile.
• Personalized Sterling Silver 4 Leaf Clover Engraved Pendant ($34.99) for
Padraig Harrington, in honor of his British Open victory. The engraving: “Major No. 1 of 1.”
• $50,000 gift cards ($350,000) and 15 boxes of candy canes each ($103.95 at 99 cents each) for
Luke Donald, Steve Stricker, Paul Casey, Niclas Fasth, Brett Wetterich, Lee Westwood (Have any other ideas?) and
Mark Calcavecchia (for beer money).
• $15.05 tip for
Eric Soderstrom, for wasting a lot of time to figure this out.
•
Total: $1,350,000.
Posted: 12/18/2007
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